It’s been awhile

 Hey blog it’s been awhile since I’m still getting accustomed to junior year which I’m barely doing that. But sadly it’s never changing she still is the same . It still feels that she only worries about what I do wrong versus what I do right I could make an A on a test which i barely get acknowledged for but soon as I fail an extremely difficult test that everyone else failed too I get scolded like I’m lazy and don’t try. I’m so tired . I don’t even have anything to say anymore. No more tears even though I’m crying writing this lol. Deep down I’m mourning my mother and father while there still here. I have to constantly remind myself I’m the only one who’s got my back. Nobody else . I’m physically and emotionally exhausted, I’m withdrawn from the current moment. Overall it’s just me vs.world 

I must admit

May 23, 2025

Entry 11:

Everyday I’m reminded of how alone I am . Ever knows that everyone has that one main friend that your always with . I don’t have one and the closest thing I had or thought was my best friend berated me on the day I needed him most . I see couple which it’s not like I’m jealous but like today , this boy looked so interested in this girl and I realized I never experienced someone having actual interest in me like that. Father daughter dances , I barely like talking to my father and other times he’s somewhere making false promises . Mothers that are so close with their daughters never really had that . These are just a few events that remind me off it . All I have is myself which is so overwhelming, nobody to talk to, no one to listen. I’m literally a background character. I feel like a failure everyone else are doing great things I barely do anything . What’s wrong with me . Why can’t I fit in. It’s like being put in a room by yourself with no way out . Every time I try to tag along I feel as if I’m being nuisance and or left out . I really wonder how does the experience of someone talking actual interest about you . My heart is so heavy and have no way the release the pressure. All I can do is cry I can’t take this any longer . What’s so wrong with me.

Self Control

 Entry 9 or sum:

May 22, 2025

Why is this girl low-key and said under  breath I look like i'm greedy. First of all out of everyone I know dat ho wasn't talking like wtf and say it to me directly. I'm sick of people trying to hate or want me to go to their level which I'm not . I'm done trying to fit in with these 'black girls' which overall is just trifling shit they do if I'm weird or whatever let me be at peace. At least I'm not seeking validation and attention to fix in. This entry is bigger than  her comment it's a trend i've been seeing overall and its sickening. I know after all that I'm still glad that God is helping me with my self control in which I ain't say nun back. I stay out the way there's no need to speak on my looks not knowing what i've gone through. 

Despair doesn’t end it just gets more painful

Entry 9 : I hate living here . I hate having someone like this as a mother . I hate feeling like my feelings don’t not mean shit . I wish I could be out of my body . I don’t want to even live life right now . She ain’t getting jack shit of what I spent on her for Mother’s Day . Today it feels like I lost a mother and a father . In the end it’s just me . I was born alone and I will die alone .

Will my despair ever end

Entry 8: It’s ridiculous that I have walk around eggshells because something happened in your day that made you upset. It’s ridiculous you undermine my feelings and compare them to yours that’s so selfish. It’s ridiculous that no matter how many times you hurt me and say you’re gonna get better you do the same shit . Everything is about money problems but you don’t even realize your relationship with your child is slipping away. It’s ridiculous that I would literally work for the bare minimum happily just because I have a break from you. You never make me feel heard you ignore me completely. You can’t see that I’m hurting mommy.

Things that piss me off

1. When people have a problem with someone for doing the same shit they do like you mad at someone for goofing off knowing then do the same like how that work.
2. When I look at reviews on suspicious sites TikTok shop as one example. It’s not really suspicious but you still can get scammed.
3. It still involves the review topic from the previous one but how people review shit . Like girl why tf would you pull an item out the bag and take a picture only of it and not them in it and be like “fits well” like put the shit on how does that help others. As a big girl I’m looking for visuals of people who look like me stop. If you rating it a five stars take a picture in it the hell . Or the cheap item only had like one person buy it or many people bought it but one automated review . I’m not tryna get scammed😭.
4. When bitches try to act like the main character. A girl tried to shush the class and everyone sided eyed her like pipe down forreal . Mind you the teacher ain’t even asked us to be quiet and then she continued to talk like you be the main on yapping. Pick me ass and it feel like I’m the only that notice not even hating atp😭.
5. No manners. I’m tryna talk to the teacher and why some kid keeps calling to get the teacher attention like they not having a conversation and that’s self centered asf . Boo you not the only one here and practically all of em do that like get some respect.
6. people don’t pay attention. Mom staying still at a green light doing anything but driving like pay attention. Kids don’t listen to what’s being taught and then they be confused that’s what your dumbass get.
7. Niggas wasting my time . Yea we are kids and we have sexual urges but if that’s all you base me and your relationship on then there’s the door bitch! If you know you don’t have an interest in pursuing me in the future don’t lead me on, tell me what it is straight like that atleast mentally I can brace myself for it . Lastly how about don’t talk to me at all and it especially the niggas that want me first yall have a lot of audacity.
8. Saying yall wanna talk then I never see you again. Kaden can suck my left nut for this shut . Like nigga I said we can try again I’m just not gonna trust you the same🙄.

thats all I got for now probably gonna edit if i have more but bye !

Horrible Lovelife

Entry 6:

Ima say this now I’m writing this not to sound delusional but to let it go so if my homeboy see this he knows whats up. Back to this dude I liked and we were talking for a while but stopped made an entry about him before . Shouldn’t even still on him but he literally lives down the street fighting the urge to fight him. Anyways since the last possible interaction when he spotted me at his workplace possibly I blocked him on EVERYTHING his number doesn’t even exist in my phone anymore. But of course I’m over here trying to find reason to unblock him since the first time he just followed back but I think it’s too late for that . Anyways I was stalking anonymously and I saw he over here asking people who they ship with and bitches over here saying me like between him and this desperate hoes both need to find a life like . But my think is why tf you doing that secret message thing like we’re in middle school like bae you needa stop I know where you live , your possible workplace , and bus stop I will embarrass u . I’m still tryna find your mom Facebook but I can just get it from someone . On sum real shit is me seeing him everywhere a sign or what .